The Princeton Offense

(Note: If you are already familiar with the principles of the Princeton offense, feel free to skip the next paragraph. However do not
skip the entire article. It's not about what you think it is.)

The Princeton offense is a basketball philosophy that slows the game down in order to allow teams with inferior ability to compete with more talented opponents. The offense involves a great deal of organized movement without the ball. Players set screens for one another and pass the ball around the floor. They are very conservative, being sure not to take ill- advised shots or turn the ball over. Eventually someone finds himself with an easy back door layup on the weak side of the court.

My buddy Nocedog has brilliantly used the term "Princeton offense" as a metaphor to describe a courtship strategy.*

Chances are you have run the Princeton offense on a gal yourself. Here is the situation. You have relatively consistent contact with a chick that you dig, but always in a non-intimate setting. Perhaps you see her on a regular basis at work or at school. Perhaps you are loosely connected in your social network. The important thing is that you do not have a whole lot of private, one-on-one conversations with her.

You ambiguously flirt with this girl over the course of weeks, months, and in some cases years. You use your friends and co-workers (teammates, for the sake of the analogy) to gradually get yourself closer to the girl (or the hole...Grow up, perverts! I'm talking basketball). You remain extremely cautious, making sure never to put your feelings (the ball) out there. You explore every possible angle (move without the ball) until you find yourself undefended next to the hole, ready to lay the biscuit in.

There is one mitigating factor that makes the Princeton offense more effective in basketball than it is in flirtation. In basketball, the system prevents the more athletic competition from getting free and running some Magic-era showtime shit on you. Unfortunately the relationship-based Princeton offense does nothing to slow the progress of cooler, richer, and better looking opponents. These guys can still attack your hole, with the reckless abandon of Lebron James on the break.

I was recently burned by playing too much Princeton and not taking a shot. While I was busy dilly-dallying, she found another gentleman. You gotta know when the shot clock is about to expire.

(* I know the whole "my buddy so-and-so" has been beaten to death by the Sports Guy. I will use it as sparingly as possible, but in this case I wanted to give proper attribution.)