End of the Post Drought

Over the next week, I will discuss what the Yanks and Mets need to do this offseason. Right now I feel the urge to grouse.

• I would like to clog my toilet with rhino shit, two packs of used Big League Chew, and Cher's hair circa 1972. Then I would call over Joe the Plumber to fix it. Then I would stiff him on the bill when he was done, in order to keep him out of the highest tax bracket.
• "Almost Famous" was "Forrest Gump '00". Both films feature retarded protagonists that improbably find themselves in culturally significant situations in the 70s. Both films have troubled sluts as unrequited love interests. Both films are overly precious and life-affirming. And most importantly, both films were highly regarded when they were released, but become exponentially more embarrassing with every additional viewing. The fact that I ever enjoyed either of these movies makes 1994 through 2000 an embarrassing chapter in my life.
• The Hawaiian use of the word "aloha" to mean both hello and goodbye is often portayed as a charming cultural quirk. But honestly, utilizing such a common word to mean completely opposite things is really smart. By smart, of course, I mean stupid.